Divorce Humor

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Humor in life is wherever you find it, but divorce mediations aren’t exactly the best venues for humor…or are they?

A couple of colleagues and I started jotting down some of the funnier and more bizarre happenings, and they almost read like a comedy script. Undoubtedly, you have had similar experiences, and I’d love to hear about them.

This certainly won’t compensate for all your rougher mediations, but allow me to share a few snippets of lighter moments:

“My husband had his project cut off a few months ago, and he hasn’t provided me with any relief since.”

“In accordance with my lawyer’s instructions, I gave birth to the twins in this envelope right here.”

“Hey, the only beast in you is a jackass!”

“I don’t think I was to blame for the bad marriage, or him either. But if either was to blame, it was him.”

“If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.”

“Do we have to bring that steamroller in high heels back into the room?”

“Sharing his bed was OK. Sharing his bathroom was gross.”

“She took a baseball bat to the motorcycle I was building in the garage. It just lay there, silent and motionless.”

“Shut up, you prehistoric old bugger…does it still have to be his turn to talk?”

“My husband is very abusive. He always hits me back a lot harder than I hit him.”

“She had an affair without warning me of her intensions.”

(To the mediator) “Did you notice how she dresses better for these mediations than she does for me?”

“Calling him an idiot is an insult to stupid people.”

“It’s men like him that make women gay.”

“He was stationed back in the States after being injured by a roadside IUD”

“Isn’t having an affair with one man for a long time better than what he did? He had affairs with lots of women and they never lasted long. At least with me you know where it’s been.” 

“The only thing that will get a rise around you is my middle finger!”

“How he can have such a narrow mind in that expanse of nothingness is beyond me.”

“He keeps telling our daughter that I’m illiterate. That ain’t right, ‘cause he knows we were married a week before she was born.”

“He tells so many little white lies he could repaint the kitchen.”

“He’s an instant idiot…just add the booze.”

“I’m not a whore, and even if I was, I’d have better clients than him.”