Find Mediators Near You:

Open the Door to Peace instead of Conflict

Conflict Remedy Blog by Lorraine Segal

The most difficult conflicts in my life have generally come from trying to impose my will on reality, particularly when I’m trying to control other people. When I have expectations of how life should be, how others should communicate and behave, or how events should unfold, and then try to make it happen, I rarely get the result I want.

There is a powerful visualization in the book Hope For Today that I have found helpful for myself and my clients.

“When you want to control someone or something, visualize two doors. One is labeled old way/my will and the other door is labeled letting go/ the universe’s will. Then, imagine opening each door and seeing what will happen if you go down that path.“

By doing that before acting, we can find some detachment and a calmer place to respond rather than react. I also ask my clients a series of questions to help clarify what is behind the two doors.

When have you felt this way before/been in this situation before?
What did you do? (first door).
Did it work?
If it didn’t work:

What could you do instead that might have a better result? (second door).
How can you let go of the outcome?
When I do one on one coaching with someone who is in a challenging relationship, often a part of the work is helping them let go of believing they can make another person do and be what they want. Instead we look gently at their own contribution to the situation and how they can change their own communication and attitude.

I once heard someone frame this as an algebraic equation:

a (your behavior and attitude) + b ( the other person’s behavior and attitude) = c (outcome).

When “a” changes, so does “c”, the outcome, even if “b” stays the same. Miracles of healing can happen in any relationship, if just one of the people involved finds the courage and support to respond to conflicts differently.

                        author

Lorraine Segal

After surviving the 50's and 60's, as well as twenty years in toxic academia as a tenured professor, Lorraine Segal was inspired to started her own business, Conflict Remedy (ConflictRemedy.com), happily teaching, coaching, blogging and consulting around workplace conflict transformation. She is addicted to reading novels and enjoys walking and… MORE >

Featured Members

ad
View all

Read these next

Category

What Difference Does A Robe Make? Comparing Mediators With And Without Prior Judicial Experience

An intriguing article (abstract only) in July's Negotiation Journal (Jul 2009. Vol. 25) by Stephen Goldberg, Margaret Shaw, Jeanne Brett reporting the results of two studies; "... a glance at...

By Geoff Sharp
Category

The Role of Ombudsmen in Dispute Resolution (2001)

Full PDF Version April 13, 2001 The Honorable Daniel K. Akaka Ranking Member, Subcommittee on International Security, Proliferation, and Federal Services Committee on Government Affairs United States Senate Dear Senator...

By United States General Accounting Office GAO
Category

Instrumental Emotions

From the Blog of Phyllis G. Pollack.Benedict Carey has written another interesting article in the New York Times. Entitled “The Benefits of Blowing Your Top” (July 6, 2010), Mr. Carey...

By Phyllis Pollack
×