Conflict’s Impact: the REM and the RAM – article and podcast

Podcast here:

Our work computers were recently switched so that we all have the same style – great for security and stability, horrible for editing large videos and mass amounts of data. Which is, you know, a big part of my job.

So I was frustrated the other day when my computer started freezing – something we can all relate to, right? And while I was realizing I need to request a more potent operating system, I also realized this is the same impact that conflict has on our system. How many times have we pulled up a Task Manager window to see that Chrome is running an operation that is taking up 87% of our processing capacity and everything has slowed to a crawl?

And how many times have we been working through a conflict, to realize that our Executive Functions have slowed to a crawl? Executive Functions are things like:

• The ability to remember information
• The ability to resist impulses
• The ability to avoid distractions, stay on task
• Being flexible: the ability to switch our behaviors when presented with new circumstances or new information
• Developing long-term goals and being able to break that goal into smaller tasks
• Generating new ideas and solutions
• Starting simple tasks/feeling motivated
• Monitoring our behavior and words and their effects
• Connecting the correct amount of time to tasks/time management
• Emotional regulation – staying calm

My computer’s RAM is almost completely used up right now processing multiple videos. RAM stands for Random Access Memory, it’s processing power, meaning that it’s ability to find and sort the other bits of data that I need becomes frustrating.

Now picture a frustrating conflict having the same effect on your brain’s RAM. Say you’ve been dealing with a frustrating coworker or a micromanager boss. They snapped at you for no apparent reason, and your brain says, “Does Not Compute.” So now for the rest of the night 87%ish of your brain is trying to make sense of this. “Did I say something out of line? Is she just a jerk? Should I get a different job? Should I say something? Should I file a complaint? How will that make me look? If I do say something, what if I lose my temper at work? What if she says something bad about me that I don’t want to hear?” Your brain is firing no-stop trying to make sense out of this situation.

That means it is eating away at your executive functions. It means you probably forgot to pick up the mail on the way home, and then you cooked the noodles too long. And when your kid didn’t put their dish away after dinner you snapped at them way too loudly. And when your partner asked a question about which retirement account to use, you couldn’t think of a good solution and so you just barked back a response. Because your brain is having a hard time accessing memories, thinking of creative solutions, regulating emotions, changing behaviors, and remembering short-term tasks.

And let’s be honest – we all have those days where we’re not the best parent or spouse because a conflict is weighing on us. Ideally, we recognize what is going on, explain it to our loving family, who gives us grace, and maybe even talks through it with us to develop a solution.

But let’s say we just let the conflict continue to eat away at us. Now the conflict is moving from RAM to REM – in other words it is no longer just impacting your brain’s ability to process, it is impacting your body. One of the first things we see is an impact on REM. REM is the final stage of sleeping, one that involves Rapid Eye Movement. At the REM stage, the brain is able to

• sort what happened during the day,
• regulate emotions,
• sort memories, and
• do some nifty creative problem-solving.

But if your brain is not at peace enough to enter the REM stage of sleep, it begins to be stuck in a vicious cycle. The cache of conflict in our brain is not cleared while we sleep, so we wake up feeling just as defeated and drained as when we went to sleep. And with the additional fatigue, it is even more difficult to think of options to get out of this conflict.

If left unchecked, the conflict can start to effect other areas of our body. I picture it like water pouring over ice cubes in a cup. It starts to trickle down, bumping into different areas. From our brain it bumps down into heart – where we notice an increased heart rate whenever we think of the conflict. The conflict also starts to seep into our muscles, where we notice chronic muscle tension. This results in a defensive posture, with increased tension placed on the shoulders, mid- and lower back, base of the spine radiating up into the head, and eventually feeling weakness in the joints. And of course this conflict trickles its way into our gut – leaving us with an upset stomach. Some of us combat this by avoiding food because of the nausea. Some of us quell this by eating delicious comfort food. Long-term these digestive issues can lead to IBS or ulcers.

But did you know that prolonged conflict has more minute impacts, that are harder to quantify? For instance, that muscle tension results in restricted blood flow, meaning less oxygen and nutrients are getting to muscles. This means shorter endurance, difficulty seeing gains in the gym (our muscles have a harder time healing from the mini-tears that come with lifting weights), longer recovery after an injury, less overall energy and a feeling of leaden muscles.

Let’s zoom in to look at even more impacts. When conflict weighs on your body for months, your brain starts to rewire to support you through this increased stress. Your hippocampus shrinks and routes important decisions to your amygdala – the part of your brain that keeps you in fight/flight/freeze mode. This prevents you from making rational, long-term decisions. And our hormones are all over the place – testosterone, adrenaline, and cortisol increase. Oxytocin (the love hormone) and estrogen (specifically what regulates emotions, cycles, fertility, and a sense of self-worth) are decreased. Repeated exposure to cortisol – the lovely stress hormone typically associated with conflict – leads to cellular aging and oxidative stress. Short-term: this looks like increased wrinkles. Long-term: shortened telomeres, this is our cell’s lifeline that determines how long we live.

Is this revolutionary? No – we all know that conflict can be harmful. But hopefully it is validating to put a name to some of the symptoms you are experiencing, what you have been noticing in your brain and your body.

Most important: what are you going to do about it?

Conflict is inevitable; we all know that. But don’t let yourself get stuck in it, especially a draining, unhealthy conflict. Science is just scratching the surface on discovering the impact this has on our brains, our bodies, our mental health, and our families. So keep going through the articles and the mediator directory on mediate.com, find a conflict coach, call a helping hotline, and write down what your first step is going to be.

Did you know that just that simple step of writing down your first task has already started to decrease the cortisol in your body? And with each little step that you take, you will start to regain control over your brain and body. Remember – part of going through conflict is actually moving and going through it. So if you are feeling stuck and defeated, please reach out for help so we can get you back on your way.

Clare Fowler

Clare Fowler is Executive Vice-President and Managing Editor at Mediate.com, as well as a mediator and trainer. Clare received her Master's of Dispute Resolution from the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and her Doctorate in Organizational Leadership, focused on reducing workplace conflicts, from Pepperdine… MORE