“I’m Sorry I Ever Met you; I Wish I Had Never Laid Eyes on You.” 

It’s easy for mediators to underestimate how terrifying mediation can be for participants, especially if they are unrepresented. We are trained to be calm, centered, and curious. Hopefully, we enter each session girded with carefully digested information and an optimistic outlook. By contrast, the parties may present as emotional, unprepared, exhausted, and feeling like failures, especially if they are contemplating divorce.  A little humor can lighten the mood and make it easier to achieve resolution.  

Recently I mediated a case in which a married couple was on the cusp of divorce. They both had good educations and jobs, and were committed to their children’s well-being. However, they faced a mound of debt, had no savings, and had no idea how mediation really worked, or whether it could help them. They were frazzled and fearful. 

After hours of contentious but respectful negotiations without counsel, the parties reached an agreement in principal. Immediately they fell silent. Their faces drooped. Their expressions registered the reality that had just hit them: they were sad and drained, and nearing the end of their long marriage. 

 It seemed appropriate to ask them, one at a time, how they were feeling. The husband stared straight ahead and said: “I’m sorry I ever met you; I wish I had never laid eyes on you.” Wide-eyed, his wife sat quietly. It was unclear to whom his comment was addressed. Gently, I asked if he was talking to me. He replied yes, but then, mortified, he clarified that it was painful to acknowledge that his marriage was ending and that the process of divorce was awful, but that I had been very helpful as a mediator during this difficult time. He apologized profusely for inadvertently creating the impression that I was the cause of his distress. Now his wife’s expression relaxed. Having listened intently to his expression of pain,  I  smiled and took the risk of saying that I was relieved because in 15 years of mediating, no one no one had ever blamed me for the complicated feelings mediation can stir.  Instantly, the tension in the room broke. He burst into laughter, and so did I. He had let down his guard and showed his humanity, and so had I. Spontaneously, he had made fun of himself. At the same time, he gave me permission to make a joke at my own expense, and to introduce a bit of levity into their serious discussion. This exchange lasted but a minute during long hours of negotiation. However, it lifted their spirits immeasurably and transformed our interaction quickly. Now they were not just hoping to get through the process rapidly, they said they wanted to continue refining their agreement. One humorous yet significant moment had implicitly renewed their trust in their mediator. They will return to the table shortly to finalize their document. 

Perhaps the mediation succeeded far beyond the concrete terms of the parties’ agreement. 

Nancy Shuger

Nancy B. Shuger served as an Associate Judge on the District Court of Maryland for Baltimore City (1993 to 2011). Now she sits as a recalled Senior Judge and has a private mediation business. Her practice is multi-cultural, focusing primarily on family, small business, workplace, and congregational mediations. She is… MORE