Inside the Mediation Room: Guest Bill Eddy

This is the second episode of Michael and Karen Aurit’s video podcast “Inside The Mediation Room,” devoted to hearing stories and insights from some of the world’s most experienced mediators and dispute resolvers.

In this episode their guest is Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., who developed the high conflict personality theory to explain the driving forces behind people who present the most challenging behaviors.

Summary:

This audio podcast features Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute and pioneer of high-conflict personality theory, discussing his latest book, “Mediating High Conflict Disputes,” on the “Inside the Mediation Room” YouTube channel. Eddy explains his journey into mediation and specializing in high-conflict cases due to observing personality differences, not just issue differences, prolonging disputes. He highlights the crucial role of the mediator’s positive attitude and the importance of managing personal anxiety and focusing on changing the mediator’s behavior rather than the client’s. Eddy also shares strategies for working with high-conflict personalities, emphasizing maintaining control, avoiding direct confrontation, and focusing on future-oriented proposals and tasks rather than dwelling on past emotions. He advocates for perseverance in working with difficult clients, emphasizing the mediator’s responsibility to guide the process and offering insights on building trust through non-verbal communication.

Here is an AI Podcast of this interview:

Here is the YouTube Video Interview:

Here is a Study Guide for this interview:

Inside the Mediation Room with Bill Eddy: A Study Guide

Quiz: Short Answer Questions

1. According to Bill Eddy, what is the primary difference between mediation cases that settle quickly and those that drag on in court with the same issues?
   
2. What background did Bill Eddy have before becoming a lawyer and mediator that he believes significantly helped him develop empathy?
   
3. Bill Eddy discusses the importance of a mediator having a positive attitude. In addition to modeling calmness, how does he suggest mediators can influence the emotional state of high-conflict individuals?
   
4. Instead of trying to change the behavior of high-conflict clients, what does Bill Eddy recommend mediators focus on changing?
   
5. What is one of Bill Eddy’s primary mantras or phrases he uses to manage his own anxiety in high-conflict situations?
   
6. According to the source material, what are the three strong traits of Cluster B personality disorders, which Bill Eddy connects to high-conflict personalities?
   
7. When a high-conflict person makes a negative side comment in mediation, what is Bill Eddy’s recommended first line of defense?
   
8. Bill Eddy advises against focusing on apologies in mediation with high-conflict individuals. Instead of dwelling on the past, what does he suggest mediators encourage clients to focus on?
   
9. When is it appropriate for a mediator to confront a high-conflict personality directly in joint session, according to Bill Eddy’s perspective in this interview?
   
10. What is Bill Eddy’s general advice to mediators regarding terminating mediation with high-conflict clients?

Short Answer Answer Key

1. According to Bill Eddy, the primary difference is the personalities involved. High-conflict personalities tend to prolong disputes, while ordinary people with the same issues can resolve them in a few sessions.
   
2. Bill Eddy had a background in social work and worked as a therapist for 12 years before becoming a lawyer. He believes this experience working with individuals facing significant challenges trained him to have a lot of empathy.
   
3. Bill Eddy suggests that mediators’ positive feelings and calmness can be contagious. By staying calm in the face of their fear and anger, mediators can influence high-conflict individuals to calm down.
   
4. Instead of trying to change clients, Bill Eddy recommends that mediators focus on changing their own behavior towards the clients, specifically how they interact, focus attention, and speak to them.
   
5. One of Bill Eddy’s primary mantras is “It’s not about me.” He uses this to remember that the conflict and the client’s behavior are about their own issues, not a personal attack on the mediator.
   
6. According to the source material, the three strong traits of Cluster B personality disorders are domineeringness, vindictiveness, and intrusiveness.
   
7. Bill Eddy’s recommended first line of defense against negative side comments from high-conflict individuals is to ignore them.
   
8. Instead of dwelling on apologies and the past, Bill Eddy suggests mediators encourage clients to focus on the future and make proposals for how to handle similar situations differently moving forward.
   
9. Based on the interview, Bill Eddy suggests that directly confronting a high-conflict personality in joint session will likely “blow up” the mediation. He recommends avoiding direct confrontation, except potentially in cases involving domestic violence where someone is bullying or threatening.
   
10. Bill Eddy generally discourages mediators from firing high-conflict clients simply because they are difficult. He suggests exploring options like transferring the case or being patient, allowing the clients to decide if they want to continue returning to mediation.

Essay Format Questions

1. Analyze Bill Eddy’s perspective on the role of the mediator’s personal attitude and mindset in effectively handling high-conflict disputes, drawing specific examples and reasoning from the interview.
   
2. Discuss the specific strategies Bill Eddy recommends for mediators interacting with high-conflict personalities, contrasting these with approaches typically used with non-high-conflict individuals, and explain the rationale behind these differences.
   
3. Evaluate Bill Eddy’s advice on managing anxiety as a mediator working with high-conflict clients. What techniques does he share, and how might these connect to broader concepts of mindfulness or self-regulation in professional practice?
   
4. Explain Bill Eddy’s perspective on the importance of trust in mediation with high-conflict personalities. How does he believe trust is built with this population, and why does he suggest mediators should focus less on verbal communication or credentials?
   
5. Critically examine Bill Eddy’s controversial advice regarding allowing high-conflict individuals to “finish their feelings” and the role of apologies in mediation. Summarize his reasoning and consider potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives mediators might hold.

Glossary of Key Terms

• High Conflict Personalities (HCPs): Individuals who engage in repeated, intense conflicts, often characterized by blaming others, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviors. (Pioneered by Bill Eddy).
• High Conflict Personality Theory: A theory developed by Bill Eddy to explain the patterns of behavior and thinking often observed in individuals who engage in high conflict and to provide strategies for managing disputes involving them.
• Mediating High Conflict Disputes: The title of Bill Eddy’s book discussed in the interview, which provides strategies and techniques for mediators working with high-conflict individuals.
• Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution: A prominent dispute resolution program at Pepperdine University where Bill Eddy teaches.
• New Ways for Mediation: The structured, four-stage method for mediation discussed in the interview, designed to be particularly effective with high-conflict personalities by focusing on process and tasks. The stages are: Establishing the process, Making the agenda, Making proposals, and Making decisions.
• Ear Statement (Empathy, Attention, Respect): A technique used by mediators, particularly when working with high-conflict individuals, to acknowledge their emotional state and build connection before redirecting to tasks.
• Cluster B Personality Disorders: A category of personality disorders in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) often described as dramatic, emotional, or erratic. Bill Eddy connects these to high-conflict personalities and notes traits like domineeringness, vindictiveness, and intrusiveness.
• Caucusing: A mediation technique where the mediator meets with each party separately, rather than having everyone in the same room.
• Tools, Not Rules: Bill Eddy’s framing of the strategies and techniques presented in his book, emphasizing that they are options to consider and adapt rather than strict requirements.
• Self-Blamers: A term used humorously by Bill Eddy to describe his and his wife’s approach in their marriage, where both take responsibility when something goes wrong, which he suggests makes working together easier.

Here is a Briefing Document:

This briefing document provides a concise overview of the key takeaways from the interview, emphasizing the unique challenges of mediating with high conflict personalities and the importance of the mediator’s adaptability and internal state.

Mediating High Conflict Disputes

This briefing document summarizes the key themes, important ideas, and notable facts presented in excerpts from “Inside the Mediation Room – Episode #2 – Bill Eddy – March 29, 2022”. The interview features Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute and pioneer of high conflict personality theory, discussing his experiences and insights, particularly in relation to his book, “Mediating High Conflict Disputes.”

Main Themes:

• The Centrality of Personality in Conflict: A core theme is that the difference between cases resolved quickly in mediation and those dragging on for years in court is often not the issues themselves, but the personalities involved. Eddy highlights “high conflict personalities” (HCPs) as requiring a fundamentally different approach.
  
• The Mediator’s Internal State: A significant emphasis is placed on the mediator’s own attitude, mindset, and ability to manage their anxiety. Eddy argues that effectively mediating HCPs is dependent on the mediator’s internal work and positive approach.
  
• Adapting Mediation Techniques for HCPs: The traditional tools and approaches of mediation, while effective with “ordinary people,” are often counterproductive when dealing with HCPs. Eddy advocates for a modified, task-focused approach that avoids triggering defensiveness and focuses on forward movement.
  
• The Nature of High Conflict Personalities: HCPs are characterized by traits often associated with personality disorders, including blaming others, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behavior. They also tend to be domineering, vindictive, and intrusive.
  
• Prioritizing Process and Structure: With HCPs, maintaining tight control of the mediation process and adhering to a clear structure (establishing the process, making the agenda, making proposals, making decisions) is crucial for success.

Most Important Ideas/Facts:

• Origin of High Conflict Personality Theory: Eddy’s realization about the impact of personalities came from practicing as both a family lawyer and mediator, observing the stark difference in case duration and complexity based on the individuals involved. His background in social work and therapy informed this understanding.
  
• The Contagious Nature of Emotions: “Fear and anger are contagious, but so are positive emotions.” Mediators must consciously project calmness and positivity, as this can be contagious and help de-escalate the situation with HCPs.
  
• Focusing on the Mediator’s Behavior, Not the Client’s: Eddy emphasizes the paradigm shift of focusing on “changing our behavior towards them rather than to try to change them.” This alleviates the burden on the mediator and is more effective with HCPs who interpret constructive feedback as criticism.
  
• The Secret to Managing High Conflict Disputes is Managing Your Own Anxiety: This is highlighted as a fundamental truth. HCPs are unpredictable and triggering, making the mediator’s ability to stay calm essential for effective intervention.
  
• Strategies for Managing Anxiety: Eddy shares practical strategies for mediators to manage their anxiety, including:
  
• Mantras/Affirmations: Repeating phrases like “it’s not about me” and “I’m not responsible for their outcome.”
  
• Support Systems: Being around other positive people and having colleagues to debrief with.
  
• Balancing Caseloads: Not exclusively taking high conflict cases.
  
• Engaging in Restorative Activities: Spending time in nature, hobbies, etc.
  
• HCPs and Negativity: HCPs often operate with a significantly higher percentage of negativity (e.g., 90% negative, 10% positive). Mediators need to focus on and connect with that small percentage of positivity.
  
• Ignoring “Little Negatives” and Avoiding Direct Confrontation: Direct feedback to HCPs, even about inappropriate language, is likely to “blow up” the mediation. Instead, mediators should “ignore the little negatives to the extent you can” and use neutral announcements when necessary, mutualizing the issue rather than calling out the individual.
  
• The Role of Non-Verbal Communication in Building Trust: Trust with HCPs is built more through non-verbal behavior (facial expression, tone of voice, eye contact) than credentials or experience. HCPs are often more emotionally oriented and attuned to these cues.
  
• HCPs Don’t “Finish” Their Feelings: Unlike many people who can process and move on from emotions, HCPs often have a reservoir of unresolved feelings and struggle with closure. Trying to facilitate this “grieving and healing process” in mediation is often a “rabbit hole.”
  
• Task-Focused Approach with HCPs: Instead of dwelling on past emotions, the focus with HCPs should be on the future and specific tasks. This is why apologies are discouraged, as they pull into the past. Proposals should be framed around future behavior.
  
• Tools, Not Rules: Eddy presents his strategies as “tools” that can be adapted, rather than strict rules to be rigidly followed.
  
• When Considering Termination: Eddy strongly discourages mediators from “firing” HCP clients simply because they are difficult. He suggests attempting to transfer the case or, if the mediator is truly out of ideas, being honest with the clients about this and suggesting a future meeting. He emphasizes that HCPs may take longer but often eventually reach agreements with consistent support.
  
• The Mediator’s Belief in the Clients’ Ability to Find a Solution: A fundamental belief for the mediator working with HCPs is that the clients themselves hold the answer and that the mediator’s role is to provide the structure and support to help them find it, regardless of how challenging they may be.

Quotes from Original Sources:

• “what i realized is the difference is the personalities and because i had a therapy background it was the high conflict personalities who seem to have traits of personality disorders or personality disorders in some cases”
  
• “Fear and anger are contagious but so are positive emotions.”
  
• “The goal is to try to change our behavior towards them rather than to try to change them”
  
• “the secret to managing high conflict disputes is managing your own anxiety”
• “my favorite phrase and i i just told myself this in so many situations and it helps me stay calm is it’s not about me”
  
• “i learned to change what i focus on how i interact how i speak to them and it’s just such a relief because i don’t feel i’m at odds with my clients anymore”
  
• “high conflict people don’t finish their feelings and that’s something that it took me years to understand and realize and that they feel better by focusing on tasks than focusing on their upset feelings”
  
• “don’t go for apologies and mediation with high conflict people because they don’t apologize”
  
• “my belief is the direct negative feedback to a high conflict person will blow up and it won’t benefit the other person for me to do that”
  
• “try not to fire your clients it may take them longer to reach an agreement so be patient because they’re experiencing loss and sometimes you say all they need is this really struck me a calm demeanor and a steady hand”

                       

Bill Eddy

Bill Eddy is the President of High Conflict Institute, which provides training to professionals dealing with high conflict disputes. Bill is an international speaker on the subject of high-conflict personalities, providing seminars to attorneys, mediators, collaborative law professionals, judges, ombudspersons, mental health professionals, hospital administrators, college administrators, homeowners association managers and… MORE >

                       

Michael Aurit

Michael Aurit helps aspiring and experienced mediators reach their greatest potential. He is a nationally respected professional mediator, prominent mediation trainer, and inspiring thought leader. As Director and Co-Founder of The Aurit Center for Divorce Mediation in Arizona, he has helped thousands of people resolve their divorce and child custody… MORE >

                       

Karen Aurit

Karen Aurit believes that mediation is best taught from the inside out. She is a trailblazing mediation entrepreneur and trainer, mindfulness expert, and Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist. As Director and Co-Founder of The Aurit Center for Divorce Mediation in Arizona, she has helped thousands of people resolve their… MORE >