“Of those that reached agreement in Mediation, two thirds of both men and women agreed that spousal support was fair; and more than two thirds of both men and women were satisfied with the division of property.”
Divorce Mediation: Characteristics of Clients and Outcomes
Dr. Joan Kelly and Lynn Gigly (1989)
Unlike open court proceeding where we can see how our colleagues try cases, mediation is usually conducted behind the privacy of closed doors.
This chapter will attempt to walk you through some of basic steps of mediation to provide an overview of the structure to fill in your understanding of what happens during the mediation process. You will learn what your clients will be experiencing, what to expect yourself if you will be attending the session as a consulting attorney and get a head-start to your training should you decide to try being a mediator yourself. I shall take you
behind the closed doors of my office to give you a view of what happens when I mediate as one illustration of how the process works.
First Contact with the Mediator by the Participants:
People approach mediators in three basic ways.
I try to limit the first call to answering questions about the process in general and
will expressly discourage specific substantive or factual discussion about the caller’s own
situation. This is especially true when one party is calling. If the caller is certain about
starting to mediate, I set an appointment and arrange for a packet of mediation materials
to be sent out to each party. I will also request that the caller promise to call the other
party confirm the appointment and ask the other party to call me to have a similar phone
chat. These calls are usually limited to five minutes or less and, of course, are without
If the calling party is unsure about setting an appointment, I offer to send out a
mediation packet. I always try to ascertain if the calling party is sure that the non-calling
party wants to receive a packet. I do not wish to send unrequested or unwanted materials.
Some mediators hold more extensive telephone calls in order to have a more
comprehensive assessment as to suitability or appropriateness of starting mediation before
the parties come in for an appointment. Others will initiate contact with the non-calling
party to initiate the mediation.
Pre-Meeting Mediation Minuet
After the calls and packets are sent, my Dispute Resolution Assistant follows up to
make sure packets are received and works out the scheduling of the 30 minute orientation.
My Assistant calendars the meeting, confirms the appointment the day before, and
arranges cancellations and rescheduling, (which are common.) Parties are invited to come
into the client library to read or look at videos in anticipation of their first visit–See
Chapter 5. If parties cancel twice, I am alerted and I will generate a quick call to each
party to inquire about underlying problems that may account for the cancellation. I do the
same if one or both parties do not show up for the appointment (which is less common.) I
do not require parties to send any information to me before the first meeting. If the
meeting is set at short notice, parties are requested to come 30-60 minutes early to read
the mediation articles generally, and to review the mediation agreement with particular
Lawyers will often want to interview me separately or together and work out a
format before clients are referred to me. Fifty percent of my family mediations have
lawyers present at the session; the percentage is much higher for commercial and other
civil disputes resolved in mediation.
The initial orientation meeting is limited to 30 minutes, for which I do not charge a
fee. All other interviewing or orientation time is charged. Some mediators offer more free
time and others charge for the orientation meeting which may range from 30 minutes to
three hours or more.
Before the parties arrive, I arrange for the exact number of chairs to be at the
round table placed at equal distance, in the shape of a triangle. Water, coffee, and a filled
up candy bowl are arranged in the Mediation Room. Prior white board and window
writing (See Chapter 5 for Mediation Friendly Office) are erased and other client work is
put away. Important phone calls are made or deferred — no phone calls are permitted to
interrupt any mediation session, except Class 10 Emergencies or my daughter calling to
tell me she missed her car pool!
The first party arriving is offered the choice to wait in the reception area or the
client library. The second party is offered the remaining choice and is informed that the
other party is present. Sometimes the parties will choose to sit together to wait for the
appointment. If I am walking through the office I may greet the first party to arrive but
will not invite anyone into the mediation room until all the parties have arrived. I will not
go beyond a “Hello, It’s a Beautiful Day” greeting. My neutrality and the parties’
perception of that impartiality are agreement catalysts and may themselves hold a difficult
I personally go out to the waiting room, greet each by first names (including
lawyers) and use my first name. On the walk into the office I try not to have any dialogue
and wait until everyone is seated and finished shuffling their papers and moving coffee
cups before starting to speak.
As in all stages of mediation, I try to speak in everyday language with a positive
and warm tone (regardless of how I am feeling.). I try read the mood of the participants.
I begin by explaining the following:
If parties show any hesitation at all about commencing the mediation, I recommend
that they take time to think about it and arrange a time for them to call my Dispute
Resolution Assistant. I write a short follow-up letter, (sample at the end of the chapter)
often enclosing additional material deemed relevant by the orientation. Parties are offered
an opportunity for another assessment session (on the clock) and often couples will come
in one, two, or more times before initiating the process. It is not uncommon for parties to
return to start mediation months or years after their initial orientation — often after they
have had a taste of the adversary court system.
Initial Private Sessions :
As discussed in Chapter 15, I have found meeting individually with parties to be
helpful in establishing rapport and trust, understanding their factual situations and
emotional concerns, and helping them each prepare for the joint sessions. I try to leave at
least 2 days between the last individual session and the first joint session to let the parties
reflect on what we discussed and to act on any suggestions I might make for them to
adequately prepare factual material, think through proposals, or work on communication
hotspots. While my agreement requires parties to waive confidentiality of these separate
meetings, in reality, parties (often at my suggestion) disclose the most sensitive concerns
to the other party on their own. The waiver of confidentiality is to bolster the parties’ trust
and perception of my neutrailty to prevent the possibility that I will be told about a secret
Swiss bank account or plans to abduct and I would withhold it from the other side.
Generally, parties with such agendas and plans don’t tell me regardless of the rule on
confidentiality. If both parties agree that they would prefer private meeting to be
confidential in order to increase their comfort level, I will honor this proposed
modification to my standard agreement. In situations which would threaten the integrity of
the process, I would withdraw and terminate the mediation rather than hold on to a secret
that could hurt the other party or child(ren).
At the end of the first private session, I personally walk out with the client to the
elevator and wait with the client until the elevator arrives.
First Joint Session :
After greeting the parties and acknowledging that we are all back together for the
first time since the orientation, I try to find positive aspects to report from the individual
sessions. At the very least, I can say I was able to get to know each party better and have
a more rounded sense of the issues and dynamics present in the mediation.
I invite any questions or concerns that either party may have arising from the
private session concerning the process and confirm the schedule of future appointments.
As in every session, I ask the parties if there is any issue that either feels must be
resolved by the end of that session. If an issue is raised, I ask if the parties want to deal
with it right away or reserve time at the end of the session. It is very frustrating for the
parties (and for me) for a timebomb issue (not enough money to last the week) to be
raised during the last five minutes of a session. With rare exceptions, even if I do not have
clients booked directly after, I end the session at the scheduled time to accomodate any
plans either party (or attorney) might have after the session and to set appropriate
boundaries. Actually I try build in 15-30 minutes between sessions to answer phone calls,
review letters, meet with my Dispute Resolution Assistant, prepare for the next session,
eat, and basically relax from the tension of the previous session.
Typical Divorce Agenda:
After dealing with immediate hot issues, I work with the parties to establish an agenda. In a comphrensive mediation, a customary agenda may be:
Discussion and Bargaining Format:
At the beginning of the session, I generally spell out the following process for discussion of any issue:
If Party B chooses to make a counter-proposal, the process starts over with the parties reversing roles.
This process is repeated again and again and again throughout the mediation — on
issues, large and small. It may take just minutes to resolve several issues or multiple
sessions to resolve major issues such as the amount, length, and conditions of permanent
Experiment and Test Out Solutions:
Mediation allows parties to experiment and test out agreements without fear of
establishing a binding legal precedent. Agreements can be time limited and reviewed
within days or weeks for viability. Agreements can also be modified as new agreements
are made which impact . I reassure the parties that there is no final binding agreement
until all the parts are cross-stiched into a whole written agreement subject to review and
final signatures. However, if parties choose to make incremental final agreements on
bifurcated issues, that process option is available to them.
Agreements can be specific or general, depending on the parties and issues
involved. At the end of the session, time is left to review progress, plan for homework, set
target dates, and leave the session in a positive relaxed manner with as much closure as
possible. Parties can either leave together or I will orchestrate separate departures to avoid
intimidation or innapropriately continuing the discussions in the waiting room or elevator.
Each session starts with my asking about any developments since the last session that require immediate attention.
I review the summary letter. In some mediations, it is read aloud by the parties. Any corrections or additions are solicited and incorporated in the next letter.
Continue on with the agenda developed in the previous session(s), modifying it as appropriate. Work on one issue at a time until all issues are resolved. At times, it may be
necessary to link issues and ask the parties to think about an overall solution dealing with
all remaining issues.
Often, I will raise issues that parties have overlooked or about which they are
unfamiliar. Many of these issues involve preventive planning for the future. See Chapter
The number of sessions and length of time from orientation session to completed
agreement vary. Some comprehensive mediations are totally resolved in one two hour
joint session. My record-setting couple has now elapsed 8 years since reaching an
agreement in principle but never signed the final documents (the Marital Status was
dissolved over 7 years ago; Husband has remarried and has two new children and Wife has
been in a cohabitation relationship for over 4 years!)
The agenda of issues may evolve so that a concern that is raised at the first joint
session may be resolved informally by the parties or simply go away. Other resolved issues
may be subject to extensive renegotiation due to a change of heart by one or both parties,
input from consulting attorneys, or changed due to the impact of issues subsequently
decided. I often caution parties about the frequency of renegotiation before it actually
happens in order to preempt reactions of betrayal or disappointment when one party wants
to renogotiate and the other party feels it’s a done deal. Such reactions could put a
mediation at risk. I have found that most mediations do not terminate unsuccessfully due
to the substantive issues involved. Rather, an unexpected bump or curve occurs that
frightens or angers one or both parties that causes a lack of confidence in the mediation
process resulting in one or both parties believing that a tough lawyer or judge can make it
all better. I try to have the parties ready for such bumps and curves and to patiently (with
great struggle) handle them when (not if) they occur.
Use of Experts:
Parties are in control of deciding whether outside experts are needed. They can
choose to each employ experts or to have a joint neutral expert work for the parties.
Experts can be interviewed by the parties in their offices or in mediation session. I often
will help the parties work out agreements as to the scope of an expert’s services and a
joint position for negotiating fees as well as the how each party will be involved in the
Involvement of Children:
Children generally do not participate in negotiation and bargaining stages of
mediation. However, they often have concerns and reactions that affect their parents
which impacts the mediation. Parents are given the opportunity to bring the children to
our client library (See Chapter 5) to watch videos (particularly “Children in the Middle”
and “You’re Still Mum and Dad”) browse through the children’s books on divorce). They are also given an opportunity to meet with me. The parents decide
whether siblings should come in together or separately and/or whether the parents should
also be present. I agree with John Haynes that the children must want to be present and
that they are not to be given the impression that they are responsible for the decisions
being made nor do they have the power to veto or alter their parent’s agreements. I differ
with Haynes in that I do not condition the children meeting me on a prior agreement by
the parties that they are willing to modify their agreement to accommodate the children’s
I try to give the children reassurance that their parents are choosing the peaceful an
less destructive option of mediation, in large part because their parents love them. Often
by meeting me and actually sitting in the mediation room and the client library, children fill
in their concrete reality of what is happening at the mediation which can help ameliorate
fears and concerns that had been previously been raging.
In the case of many older adolescents and adult children, parents choose to have
them sit at the mediation table and participate as important (if not equal) parties or as
resources for their needs and desires (which are important to their parents) or about
factual matters such as the operation of the family business or investments. On several
occasions, an older child has served as my co-mediator without portfolio and was very
helpful in diffusing conflict and creating an agreement for their parents.
Finalizing the Agreement:
Parties are given the choice of having one of their lawyers draft the final agreement
and court documents or to have me do it. Actually, I generally write one last summary
letter and my partner or associate drafts the agreement based on the letters in order to
reduce costs. Parties usually prefer to have us draft the agreement due to our neutrality.
See Chapter 18 for discussion on the involvement of lawyers in the review and drafting
Implementing and Modifying the Agreement:
The parties often agree to return to mediation before seeking court relief in the
future. Emergencies are excluded from this requirement. Parties can also build in reviews
and assessment procedures ( e.g.automatic yearly exchange of income information and
review of support in mediation each year prior to June 15). See Chapter 19 for steps that I
utilize in mediation to prevent future conflict and to maintain the legal health of the family.
As indicated in the Abacus of Variables, mediation can be customized to have many formats. There are a number of factors that influence how a
mediation is set up. Such factors include time available, cost, hostility and accessibility of a
meeting room. Mediators themselves differ widely in their approaches and their styles. I
have been a member of a Mediation Study Group (See Chapter 14) for many years. The
group members include lawyer mediators, therapist mediators, court mediators, and lay
mediators. Every mediator practices at least some aspects of the mediation craft differently
than I do. Lawyer mediators themselves vary greatly in practice approach and style.
As a family lawyer who wishes to advise and represent clients in mediation, it is
important to understand the different approaches and help your client select an appropriate
format for the situation at hand.
THE MEDIATION ABACUS*
ABACUS OF VARIABLES TO BE DECIDED UPON FOR EACH MEDIATION
|Therapeutic||Just Facts and Law|
|Same Gender||Different Genders|
|No intake process with individuals||Lengthy Intake process|
|No intake contact / documentation||Lengthy Intake contact/ documentation|
|No consulting lawyers||Each side has consulting lawyers required|
|No lawyers at sesstions||Lawyers present at all times|
|No solutions suggested by mediator||Solutions suggested at mediator’s initiative|
|Memorandum of Understanding / No binding document||Signed detailed Binding Agreements and court orders|
|Multiple meetings of short duration||Sessions of 1/2 to full days or longer|
|Voluntary Participation||Court order requiring Mediation attendees|
|Private Meetings during process (caucus)||No private meetings during process. All joint sessions|
Some Factors which influence variables: 1) Cost; 2) Time available to parties; 3) Time available
to mediator; 4) Degree of Hostility; 5) Wishes of parties; 6) Educational level of the parties;
7) Inequality of bargaining power; 8) Facilities accessible to mediators; 9) Training of
mediators; 10) Lack of or adherence to a theoretical framework
* Adapted J. Wade and S. Gribben, from J. Wade, Mediation – “The Terminological Debate”
(1994) 5ADRJ 204 in Laurence Boulle.
Problem-solving and decision-making. Ask anyone in the workplace if these activities are part of their day and they answer 'Yes!' But how many of us have had training in problem-solving? ...By Tim Hicks