Recently on Forgiveness Sunday I thought about how easily we often ask for forgiveness where it’s a small thing and how often we find it difficult to apologize when it really matters.
Apologizing is often about the courage to admit you’re not right or show your vulnerability. At the same time, apology brings relief.
The other day I watched the movie “Family for Rent” (Rental Family, 2026) which I highly recommend. According to the plot, the lead character has an agency that provides actors “for rent” to play the role of a needed “family member” or just a loved one to help cover emotional and sometimes formal needs such as appearing together at events. An employee of this company says that their most frequent request is an apology.
An apology can be very important in restoring the connection between people and increasing intimacy. And I think in this topic it’s worth figuring out, because often we simplify this process.
Let me share with you P.R. Robinson’s (2019) apology classification that may be useful and may help you to apologize more consciously and accept apologies.
Apology
Before you read on, remember who and what you last apologized to (or would like to apologize for).
Finished?
And now choose which type of apology belongs to yours:
An apology with remorse – you are involved in the event, you take responsibility for what happened, and you are truly sorry. You want to fix the situation and make sure it doesn’t happen again.
“I’m sorry this happened, I admit it’s my fault and I want to fix the situation what I can do”
Apologies with regret – you are sorry that the person is hurt or upset about the situation, but you do not consider yourself wrong and are not willing to abandon your vision.
“I’m sorry to hurt you, I didn’t mean to hurt you”
An empathic apology – you were not involved in creating the situation and causing harm. It’s not an apology in the classic sense, but a way to show empathy and support:
“I’m sorry this happened to you.”
Social responsibility apology – you realize your behavior was wrong, but it didn’t cause any harm. For example, if you run a red light without consequences, you are uncomfortable in front of the passenger and you apologize.
“I just ran a red light, I’m sorry. This was not very responsible of my part. Good thing that worked out.”
A social harmony apology – you don’t believe your behavior was wrong and hurtful, but such apology is intended to preserve external peace or avoid conflict.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to get to the point of the matter faster”
Apologizing under the influence of external circumstances – you have neither guilt, nor empathy, the main motivation is external pressure or expectation. Sometimes people apologize only because they are aware of the threat that could pose if they don’t.
I often use this concept in practice with clients to expand their perspective on apology.
About forgiveness
Do you have those you have not yet been able to forgive? If so, maybe this article will be useful to you.
Forgiveness is a personal right and often a complex internal process that may not happen at once. There are different reasons why we forgive, and no less reasons why we can’t. And sometimes we don’t even apologize.
Expecting an apology from someone is exhausting and so is not accepting an apology . On the one hand, it gives us a sense of control and power, on the other hand, it is still that burden. And why should we carry that burden?
I’ll share with you the types of forgiveness for P.R. Robinson and maybe you’ll find yours and leave the heavy burden behind:
Therapeutic forgiveness. Forgiveness here is not an excuse for an act, but a conscious step to close the situation. This is how we forgive for our own peace, even if we are not asked to.
Reasons to forgive:
– to stop being a victim, experiencing pain and abuse, wanting to move on;
– revenge does not satisfy or is impossible;
– situation is an opportunity for personal growth.
Forgiveness for the sake of relationships
We forgive in order to restore or preserve the relationship, because “nobody is perfect. This is where it’s important for us to hear a sincere apology.
Reasons to forgive:
– I want or need a relationship with someone who hurt me.
– someone who offended me needs or wants a relationship with me, and I am not ready to refuse.
– I accept that people have both good and bad sides. I forgive the bad ones because I know there are good aspects.
– If I push away everyone who’s hurt me, I will lose relationships.
Forgiveness through redemption
A prerequisite for such forgiveness is the belief that people need to forgive in order to live in harmony with their values. Values can be tied to religious beliefs or moral principles. For example, according to many religious beliefs, God forgives a person to the extent he forgives others. That is, the reason for forgiveness is that a person wants to be forgiven by God in the same way they forgive others. Here forgiveness is part of the spiritual journey and religious practice.
Beliefs behind this forgiveness:
– every person has dignity and I can love even the one who hurt me;
– “what goes around comes around;”
– I cannot judge another person fairly.
Sometimes it is considered that forgiveness gives the abuser the opportunity to “get out clean from the water” (account “offender is one, victim is zero”). But revenge makes both an offender and then the score becomes “minus one – minus one”. Sometimes the only way to stop injustice is to rise above it and refuse to be outraged.
Forgiveness is the best risk.
Sometimes we don’t forgive because we’re afraid that the offender might hurt again. But unforgiveness forces us to relive the pain over and over and hold the memory of the offense.
To forgive and to accept an apology are not the same thing. Accepting an apology is deciding to move on, whether the apology has happened, with the understanding that there are things that take time.
Take as much time as you need to and move on.
If you would like to explore these ideas on apology and forgiveness in more detail, you may wish to read P. R. Robinson’s book Apology, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation for Good Lawyers and Other Peacemakers (2019).
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